Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Never joke about your clitoris.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
