I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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