My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
