She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
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my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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