I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
