On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The maid of honor just puked.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
