It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
