Soap is not a condiment
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
