tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
