so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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