it wasn't lemon gatorade
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
