I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
