I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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