All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
