im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
