I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
