I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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