hotel room ftw
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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