you would pick up someone in the library
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
