That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
