Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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