I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Houston, we have a squirter
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
