I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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