my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
