at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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