If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
