While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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