After last night, I could never be a politician.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
