You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
