Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
