Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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