I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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