why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
