If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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