i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just want nice things and good sex
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
