i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
