I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
