i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
