I didn't shave. On purpose
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
