I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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