Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
