It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
They took my balls.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Never underestimate the power of titties
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
