piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
