did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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