let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
