I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
