she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
