Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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