Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
