The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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