a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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