and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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