if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
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I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
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You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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