It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
