She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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