I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
