She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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