her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
