I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
