four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
