Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
