Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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