I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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