I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
