it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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