tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
