btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
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I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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