It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
