He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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