I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
