he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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