It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
